The Date

Intro

In case you are not aware, I am going through a tough time in my personal life and some stories have culminated from this tough time, some sad, some dramatic, some humorous, and the story to be told next, was down-right horrifying to me.  Be as it may, without getting into too many details, I have re-started dating in the last 9 months and for not having dated in over  a decade, the entire dating process has certainly changed now.  (fill-in whatever you need to between those lines for now, more of my story will come out eventually, but not now.   First and foremost to prep for dating, I lost 55 lbs from June 2013 to September 2013 to get myself back into to what I call “date-able” shape, but I cannot hide my gray hairs nor will I…for now.  I do think a true testament to the awful aging process is when your nose hairs start graying.  I assume gray pubes would be just as bad if not worse, but I haven’t spotted any yet…..yet.

Online Dating

Online dating is the oddest, weirdest, most awkward experience, but how else does someone my age in my situation find dates/girls anymore?  I said back in my 20s I never wanted to be that old dude in the corner of a bar, so I do not frequent bars that often.  Anyway, I do plan on blogging or even writing a book on my online dating experiences and some of the funnier moments of dating. 

The Girl

One specific date stands out among the rest and I have shared the story many a times and before I get older and forget it, I wanted to get it down on paper.  I met this person online, we shall call her K.  She reached out to me first via the online dating site I was using at the time and we communicated for a bit and then she sort of dropped off.  Not uncommon in online dating fwiw.  Months later she resurfaced just asking how I was doing (I told her my story when we first communicated and that is probably why she buggered off).  We went back and forth and I finally just asked what her intentions were beyond asking me how I was doing.  She admitted she was interested and thought I had a genuine persona and wanted to get to know me further.  I had no issue with that as she was a NYC lawyer, tall, attractive, and was a really good communicator via email.  Email and texting communication is a major turn off if done wrong, I know that sounds weird, but you try online dating and see if you don’t feel the same way, so don’t judge me!  After much back and forth and I being really impressed at how eloquent and sweet this girl was, I asked her out for a drink in NYC and we decided to have a rendezvous at a bar on a Friday night.  I typically pick the places for a first date as an Alpha male, but in this case she knew I liked craft beer and she picked a new craft beer bar that was close to my friend’s place (who I went to see earlier) and we were to meet at this new beer bar, which was certainly brownie points for her.  The stage was set for this date.

Dr. Jekyl

I decided to take the train in rather than drive in.  $45 later I am at the bar (train+cab ride, YES, welcome to NYC) I arrive before our rendezvous time as is always my plan to arrive before my date.  I sit down and get one beer while I wait.  I see her walk in and she is tall (5’10”) and is her age which is 31 (I had a recent date where the girl said 36 and had to be 48 when we met, different story altogether and can be added to my online dating memoirs).  So, she is certainly attractive and we exchange hugs and there is no nervousness as she is pretty darn cool and this isn’t my first online date, I have had a bunch under my belt by now and got used to that initial awkwardness.  She has an IPA, Jai Alai from Cigar City, the same beer I am drinking and we start chatting.  Her answers are impeccable and she seems to have all the right answers, probably too perfect, so I tried to be cautious, but enjoying myself and having really good conversation and a great time.   

We do not order any food and get 3-4 beers deep each.  Not sure if she was trying to go one for one with me or not, but the night was just flowing nicely.   I am not 100% sure how much time has elapsed by this point, but we get into even more beer (maybe 5-6 per now).  We are chatting pretty closely as it got later and the bar got louder and we kissed.  I had no issue with that, but then she kisses me more and starts using tongue and nearly making out with me and sort of won’t stop.  It felt nice to be desired, but at the same time, I am not that into people watching me make out, so I pulled back, but she came back for more a few more times.  At this point I realize it is after 1:30 am and the last train out of NYC has left.  I am now stuck in NYC.  She sees a look on my face when I check my watch and asks me what is wrong and I tell her that I just missed my train.  She says I can stay at her place on her couch, but that she would never normally do that and not to have any expectations, I answer, OF COURSE and honestly, I did not have any expectations.  So, we talk more and maybe have 1 more beer each and she is still unflappable even after all these beers.  I then excuse myself to goto the men’s room and when I come back she had a look on her face.  She says to me, “So, I guess you like short blondes?”  I think to myself, wow, how does she know my soon to be ex is a short blonde, so in my mind I think, holy shit, she is a crazy fing STALKER!  I play dumb and I ask what she means by that.  She proceeds to tell me she saw me staring at a short blonde when I went to the bathroom.  I look behind me and sure enough there is a younger (22ish year old) cute blonde behind me surrounded by 6 dudes who I 1000% did not look at or even notice as the bar was packed and she was surrounded.  Also, even if I did, who cares right?  This is a few hours into a first date.  I tell her she is silly and I blow it off.  We talk more as she continues to try and make out with me in the bar.  We leave at some point and head back to her apartment.

Mr. Hyde

We get to her place and sit on the couch and we talk a bit and she tries to invite me to meet her friends the next weekend.  I said, uhhmm, I do not know, my situation isn’t so flexible.  She seems perturbed to some extent, but I could have just been drunk.  After a few more minutes this is where she turned.  We proceed to make out a little more and then she literally assaulted me sexually and started talking so filthy dirty to the likes that I have never heard such things uttered to me before.   I tried to go with flow, but I was uncomfortable and wishing I was home at that point.  I will refrain from quoting her 100% for some reasons of embarrassment and to make this blog entry a bit more PC and PG for the younger audience that may read this.  She said things like, “I am an unclean not so tall girl”, “I like it very vigorous and with extreme passion”, “I want your not flaccid member to invade my moist orifice”, “I want to explore your entire anatomy”, “I want you to fornicate the poop out of me”.  Now hold on one minute, who in their right mind would ever want that desired result?!   It didn’t end there.   “I want you to feel my entire anatomy”,  “I am unclean and like to be fornicated with extreme passion”, and finally, “I don’t do this normally or with just anyone”. 

She was relentless and we ended up on her bed in her bedroom, I dared not reject her now as she was extremely aggressive.  She then asks me if I have ever had the egg used on me.  I exclaim, NO! and that I had no idea what the egg is.  She seems extremely surprised and pulls out a plastic egg looking container and when she really realized I had no clue what it was, she really was shocked, but none of it stopped her from undressing me and continuing this assault on me, I swear she had 8 arms as I could not keep up with her advances and groping.  I started playing some real defense now as I didn’t know where this activity was going and I literally was scared.  She then opens her night stand drawer and I gaze upon the likes of sex toys to the magnitude of such that I had never imagined even existed.  I did not recognize what some of that stuff would even be used for.  She took stuff out and wanted me to “diddle” her with some toys.  At this point, I just had to play possum and started pretending I was falling asleep as her advances never ceased.  I think I fought her off for an hour when she finally passed out (or fell asleep) and I fell asleep right after from physical exhaustion.  I really thought I was going to wake up in handcuffs.   I haven’t prayed in years, I prayed that night.

Good Morning Sunshine

The next morning I awake first. I do a quick scan of myself and check for any handcuff marks on my wrists, fluids, bite marks, cuts, scrapes, bruises, stains, etc.  All clean, phew.  My prayers were answered.   I am just in my boxers and scour the room with my eyes so I do not wake her and I do not see my clothes anywhere.  I have to wake her up to find my clothes.  Without skipping a beat she turns into octopus hands and starts groping me all over again and asking me about using the egg on me again.  I tell her I have to go home and I do not know where my clothes are.  She begrudgingly looks around and cannot find them either, I then notice my shirt slightly sticking out of one of her drawers and open it and VOILA, there are my clothes.  She claims she doesn’t remember doing that and admittedly we were both pretty intoxicated, her more than me.  I do still wonder though.  Well, I get dressed quickly and say thanks and say it was nice to meet you and give her a little hug and got out of there.  I take a cab and end up missing the train so now I have to wait another hour at NY Penn Station.  I would normally have been upset over this, but NY Penn Station for an hour was a better proposition than being with that whacko for another hour.

Le Fin

I get on the train and want to try and take a nap as I did not get much sleep and my phone starts receiving texts.  It is obviously from K and it reads that my goodbye to her seemed awkward.  I responded, with, well, I thought some things went well, but other things we could discuss.  Her response was then, well, I don’t normally do that with people I just met and that no one likes to be rejected and this is a rejection, and she must have misinterpreted the situation, so thank you and goodbye with a smiley emoticon.  I was scared that would not be the last text, but amazingly it was and a relieving conclusion to easily the most traumatic and shocking dating experience of my life.